Creature of Pleasure
An exploration of nervous system states during early motherhood and the ability to enjoy our lives
A definition of pleasure: a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment
I realized at some point after having my first baby that I’d forgotten to masturbate. I mean, I still knew how to do it, but I’d gotten so swept up in the demands of motherhood that I could count on one hand the number of times I’d masturbated in 2 years. This was a huge revelation for me because I’d identified for a long time as being a highly sexual and sensual person but motherhood broke me. I was so tired and so busy. I’d nearly forgotten my own body and my own needs altogether. I was constantly serving others. At the time, my husband and I were trying to have sex at least once a week. The sex was good but it felt like something to put on the to-do list between: buy toilet paper and vacuum. It didn’t bubble up organically like it used to before having kids, when I’d roll over naked in the night and snuggle into my big hairy man and just the smell of him would drive me wild.
What the fuck is up with this? I started to dig a little deeper and realized that I hadn’t just forgotten sexual pleasure but I was also totally out of touch with the sensuality of life in general. So much of my life had become obligation. This time around, with our second baby I was aware of this tendency and I’ve had a mantra going in my head: Remember pleasure. This reminds me to enjoy what I’m doing. Take a moment to close my eyes and smell my baby’s head, to breathe it in completely. Enjoy rubbing soap all over my body in a hot shower and let the water run deeply into my ears (do you do this too?). Take my time when I’m walking to feel my feet on the ground and the incredible ability of my body to move through space. Smell the flowers in our garden and feel my hands in the rich soil. Call a friend and laugh so hard I cry (or pee!).
I’ve started a “remember pleasure” list so that when I get completely consumed in mom-duties I can slow down and look at my list to help me get back on track. It looks like this: Run, dance, hike in nature, swim, hot/cold shower, bubble bath, meditate/practice, masturbate, make love, yoga nidra, garden, write, ceramics, read, river time, eat something delicious, fancy coffee/cocktail, laugh, touch... There are so many things that could be on this list and just writing it helps me feel good. It helps me feel free again, like I can breathe. It reminds me that I’m not “just a mom.” I’m also a woman, wife, sister, lover, teacher, friend, writer... This is so important as the days of momming grow long and the needs of our baby and 4-year-old feel all consuming. But they aren’t. There’s always space to breathe. There’s always freedom to move my body and go towards joy, spaciousness, ease, wildness, and relaxation.
My kids don’t want a mindless drone machine mom, who has completely disappeared her own needs, her own love of life. They need a high spirited wild woman who can show them how to live. Who can guide them towards showing up fully for what is being offered in the moment. A vivacious succulent lover of life!
It’s normal to have ebbs and flows in motherhood and in life, where we feel electric and then zapped. The sleeplessness of early motherhood kicks my ass so much and some days I don’t feel alive at all and I have to remind myself, “I’m not dying. I’m just really tired. Be kind to yourself. It will get better.” On these severely tired sleep-deprived days I remind myself not to take my mind too seriously because these are “mind fuck” days. Sometimes the mind wants to race around like a mean monkey saying bad stuff about everyone and everything. But those thoughts aren’t real. Those are grumpy monkey tired thoughts. That’s why the pleasure list is so important so that I can remember what I love about being alive.
Early motherhood brings us into a heightened nervous system state where we are hyper-alert to any threat that could hurt our babies or children. This is normal but in order to enjoy our lives we have to remind ourselves over and over again that “we are safe.” Because most of the time we are safe. The knife will probably not fly off the shelf and stab the baby, that’s a crazy thought so we can let that one go. Most of the time things actually are ok and we can practice trusting ourselves and our children so that we don’t drive ourselves crazy trying to prevent bad stuff from happening, that probably never will happen anyway.
It takes practice every day to live a relaxed happy life. Relaxation and pleasure are not easy. We have to practice noticing our bodies and relaxing the places that are tight, numb, or immobile. We have to practice noticing our minds and slowing down the crazy mean thoughts so we can decipher and follow the thoughts that feel true. Meditation is the practice of slowing down enough to notice the mind and body and regulate the nervous system. Meditation has this funny reputation where people imagine that it’s only about chilling out. But it’s not! It’s about making us more authentically ourselves. It’s about giving us a little space between all the wild thoughts in our heads so that we can listen to the ones that matter and live our lives accordingly.
Three years ago I created a program called “Mom Village” where we come together to practice meditation and Sensory Awareness. We awaken pleasure in our minds and bodies and notice what is there from moment to moment. We slow down enough to be aware of what is going on physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually (and any other way!). What I’m imagining with Mom Village is that we are creating an Army Of Moms. I don’t want to just “chill a bunch of moms out.” I want to empower moms to be as big and powerful as we are. Meditation and mindfulness practices are not just about relaxation. They’re about bringing us to the center of our lives. They’re about waking us up to who we are meant to be, and clarifying what really matters. These practices help us weed out all the bullshit and get real.
Moms need this the most because we don’t have time for bullshit. We don’t need the next fancy baby gadget. We need healthy minds that are fine tuned to our own pleasure and the ability to fully enjoy our lives because we are worth it (and then our children will learn to do this too!). My first slogan was, “Nourishing ourselves so that we can nourish the next generation.” But you know what? We are nourishing ourselves because we deserve nourishment! We deserve to love our lives and love ourselves first. Only from this place, from filling up our own cups first, can we truly guide the next generation towards health and happiness. Let’s do this!
Support for your own Pleasure:
Join Mom Village starting again Sept 19! Tell your mom friends (and enemies too ;)
Meditation For Birth for individuals, couples, and support people
Read: The Pleasure Zone, Why We Resist Good Feelings & How To Let Go and Be Happy by Stella Resnick, Ph.D.
As always feel free to add a comment below! What’s on your Pleasure List?