In the Tunnel

The First 5 Years With Each Kid

Let me start by saying that I’m not a policy expert, but I am a mom who works with moms as a Doula and Craniosacral Therapist. I see and feel first hand the impact of the lack of support for mothers and families in the US, both institutionally and culturally. Policy follows culture, so my intention with this writing is to start conversations that can change the culture around families, change the stories we tell ourselves, the way we think, and act.

How do I talk about motherhood in the US in a way that doesn’t feel like screaming into the void? I’m feeling disheartened by the state of my country. By the blatant lack of institutional care for mothers, babies, and families. Especially for the first 5 years. It’s getting better, slowly. At least where we live in Montana there’s free childcare for 4-year-olds, as of this year. Now we have to slog through the first 4 years with every child and figure out individually how to juggle work, childcare, and sanity. This doesn’t include fun, joy, or quality of life.

I came here to write about my experience of being “in the tunnel” with my young children. But this is bigger than me. I read the term “in the tunnel” for the first time on Keven McGuire’s The New Fatherhood and it rang true. This idea that with each child, for the first 5 years we are deep in this tunnel where it’s hard to see out. It can feel all consuming. It’s dark, mysterious, and unpredictable. This is when we need the most support as parents, and in the US, it’s when we get the least support. We are left to do it all on our own.

When I pictured having children, I had a pretty rosy image in my mind of being surrounded by flowers, animals, and babies. I didn’t think that I would need help. I thought I would be strong enough to do it all on my own. The romanticism of independence runs deep in the US. I didn’t even think about having a partner. I just wanted all the babies. What a naive ding-dong! I’m beyond grateful that I fell in love with this amazing man who wanted to have babies with me, and takes his role of father and partner very seriously.

Now here we are 2 babies deep. 2 healthy adults with 2 healthy babies, living the “American Dream” and it feels like a lie. This idea of the “nuclear family,” that it’s healthy or normal to pair up and then take care of babies with no expectation of any outside help until each child turns 5. Then we get public school and don’t have to spend one person’s entire paycheck on childcare.

Our son’s kindergarten sends all the children home with a bag of snacks every Friday. When I pulled this out of our son’s backpack the first time it brought tears to my eyes. I was so grateful that his school was sending a bag of snacks for the weekend, to support me to rest. So much of my weekend is spent preparing snacks for my kids. This bag of snacks is a small step in the right direction for our country. But it’s not enough.

Parents should have paid parental leave for at least 6 months with every baby. We are the only developed nation without paid parental leave. I want free good-quality childcare for children under 5. Taxes can cover childcare for everyone under 5-years-old, not just from 5-18. This would be a start. Then there’s our mess of healthcare. If taxes covered healthcare nationally, we would all share the cost of birth and postpartum.

This is not just a problem for those of us with children. The well being of babies, mothers, and families is everyone’s problem. We all start out as babies, as part of a family. It’s essential that mothers, babies, and families are supported and cared for. These babies and children are our future. They are the future society, workers, care-takers of our planet. When parents are supported we are able to raise our children to be healthy, relaxed, and safe human beings. Parents in the US are highly stressed. The Surgeon General made a statement recently about the mental health crisis for parents and care-takers in America. This is a huge problem for everyone.

“Parents have a profound impact on the health of our children and the health of society. Yet parents and caregivers today face tremendous pressures, from familiar stressors such as worrying about their kids’ health and safety and financial concerns, to new challenges like navigating technology and social media, a youth mental health crisis, an epidemic of loneliness that has hit young people the hardest. As a father of two kids, I feel these pressures too,” said U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy. “With this Advisory, I am calling for a fundamental shift in how we value and prioritize the mental health and well-being of parents. I am also outlining policies, programs, and individual actions we can all take to support parents and caregivers.”

As a Doula and a Craniosacral Therapist I work with moms and babies every day. I help support moms who are so stressed they can’t sleep, who are in chronic pain, who experience panic attacks and can’t remember how to relax because they feel stuck in a state of hyper-vigilance because of the pressure to get everything done and wear all of the hats. Too many hats.

My 5-year-old told me the other day, “Even Wonder Woman can only do one thing at a time.” He’s right! How do we create a world that supports human moms? Not “robot-moms.” Sometimes my life is so full that it feels like if I’m successful in getting all the stuff done that is expected of me, I have to shut down my normal human needs, and go robot. This is the state that I’m often in by the end of the day, when I’ve felt the need to be hyper-productive and stay in my sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight/get shit done).

Let’s change this systematically. If childcare and healthcare were covered nationally, we wouldn’t be so stressed about money. That would be huge! Then we’d have more energy to build our “villages” around us: sharing carpools, planning play-dates, trading kids... Children were never meant to be a burden for just 2 people. It’s not normal or healthy to live in a society that sucks the life and money out of parents by leaving us alone to care for our children. Caring for children is everyone’s responsibility if we care about the future of our planet. Now let’s go out and change the world!

*Anecdote: I was voted “most likely to change the world” in my high school yearbook, so let’s do it people!