Lost in Mom-Land
Critical Summer Burnout
*Hello! I’ve missed you and I’m sorry I haven’t been here much this summer. I’m exhausted from “summer fun” and keep getting into fights with my editor (my husband) but don’t worry I’m back! This piece was written about a month ago when I was feeling really burnt out by summer with 2 little kids, and very little childcare. Reading this piece now, made me laugh and also feels darkly true somehow so I’m sharing it in case it touches some truth in you or helps you feel seen. This writing project feels like the exposure of a lot of different voices of motherhood that often aren’t heard or valued in US culture. If you’re feeling lost in Mom-Land, know that I’m right here with you and we’ll find our way together. Hang in there, we’ve almost made it through the summer :)
*Also I have a Mom Village meditation group coming up Oct 9! This is a great way to decompress, regulate the nervous system, and relax deeply in community. Join us! It’s a 6-week program through Zoom, so you can join from anywhere. Ok, on to the story…
I’m feeling lost in Mom-Land. I’ve been in this strange land for over 5 years and got a lot deeper in the last year-and-a-half, after having our second baby. 2 boys. I know there’s a battle against gender but right now I feel like I’m drowning in boys. So much boy energy, plus my husband- a big hairy loud strong man. A man’s man you could say.
I’ve lost the thread already. I’m just not sure what I’m doing here in Mom-Land. I mean I know how I got here: penis and vagina, plus life-shattering orgasms and a prayer calling in a spirit. But now that I’m here I feel totally off balance. I want more time to work and time to take care of myself.
Plus I’m lonely. In the strangest way. I’m almost never alone and I actually crave more alone time. But within my nuclear family I feel trapped, lost, and lonely. I’m surrounded by boys and have very little time or energy to be with my extended community. I miss my friends and I wonder if they’ve forgotten about me. Before having 2 babies I was an amazing networker. I’ve always loved bringing people together and watching connections grow. But right now I feel exhausted and I don’t have the energy to reach out to my community and, as a community builder, it feels like there’s a big gap in my life without this part of myself.
There’s also a certain loneliness to summer. In Montana everyone goes a little crazy with the summer heat and there’s a lot of pressure to get out and enjoy it and make the most of it before our cold slow winter hits again. But right now, in the heat of summer, I’m missing our cozy winter vibes. Winter really brings people together. Summer gets everyone running to all the different water spots and I feel too tired to hurry right now.
I feel so close to my life beginning again, a life that feels like I’m crafting it, rather than this life with 2 babies where I feel tenderized; Like the stimulus of my children’s constant needs is a meat tenderizer smashing my brain over and over again. I feel very aware of having had more “life satisfaction” before having children, while at the same time feeling head-over-heels in love with my kids. I’ve read studies about this. Apparently it’s very common, especially for mothers with more than one child. That’s me.
I feel baffled by the culture of family in this country where we’re told that we should get an education, go explore, see what we like and settle wherever we want, despite where our families live. Then we should make lots of money, buy a house, have babies, and let the good times roll, with no need for any outside support. The babies are supposed to be automatic bliss and if that’s not what we find, there surely must be something wrong with us personally. This messaging is so fucked up. It also extends to the expectations for grandparents and extended family and basically makes them obsolete. Right? If rearing babies is easy and blissful than young families don’t need any systematic or family support. Therefore grandparents don’t need to worry about supporting the next generation, they should just enjoy the “golden years,” traveling and relaxing.
If old age is the “golden years” then what would we call middle age with young children? The “dark ages?” Ok you get the picture, I’m grumpy. I’m sick of summer fun. I don’t want to plan wonderful activities and make memories for my children anymore. I’m ready to have time for my own life again. I’m ready for a re-birth of myself. I want to believe that my career is important, that my well-being is important, that my own happiness and inspiration is important. At least as important as my children’s lives and well-being.
Somehow it feels like now that I have children I should just suck it up and take care of them without any support, and any support that is offered is a bonus and I should be boundlessly grateful. It feels like my life got bumped out of the way and the fact that I’m most happy when I’m out having adventures and traveling is no longer important.
I realized the other day that my love for myself is conditional and one important condition is what I’ve come to think of as “feats of strength.” I love myself most when I feel like I’m accomplishing regular feats of strength: climbing mountains, whitewater rafting, traveling to foreign lands, backpacking, giving birth... Without this I feel a little lost. Who am I now that my life is full of baby adventures? Yes we take the boat out on the river, but mostly short flat-water trips. We car camp. I haven’t left the country since being pregnant 6 years ago.
I keep thinking of that song by the Talking Heads where they say: “And you may tell yourself, ‘This is not my beautiful house’ And you may tell yourself, ‘This is not my beautiful wife’ Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down. Letting the days go by, water flowing underground.” My life really is very cute and lovely but it doesn’t feel like mine. Our house is too big and too nice. We live in the suburbs. We have too much grass. It’s too neat and too quiet. I miss our dirtbag lifestyle. I miss feeling wild and free and I’m afraid I will never feel that way again. I watch my boys run around with so much joy and wonder, so much passion for life and I think “what happened to me?”
I used to be so full of life. I used to be one of the funnest people I knew, one of the most adventurous. I used to make friends easily and move through life with grace and humor. Now I feel dark and brooding a lot of the time. I feel exhausted. I feel like my life has been sucked out of my body through the milk I’ve been producing for the last 5 years. I feel used up and I’m not sure how to fill back up again. I’m nearly 18-months postpartum with one and over 5-years postpartum with the other.
I’m afraid that the stress and trauma of mothering during a pandemic with a baby seeped deep into my body and got stuck. I’m afraid I will never be fun again. I’m afraid I’ll always be tired. What is this life? What is important now? It’s almost like I’ve lost track of my own life and all the focus has been turned outwards to getting these boys out into the world healthy and happy. Come fall, both boys will be out in the world- one starting kindergarten and the other at a Montessori preschool. I’m fantasizing about having time for my own life again and afraid that I won’t know how to do it anymore, how to live for myself.
Have I fallen into the “martyr mom” trap again? I fall into this pattern over and over and then I snap at my husband with rage and resentment because he was not raised to give himself up and to believe that his value lies in serving others. But I was. I absorbed this messaging from childhood: as a girl I fill everyone else’s cup before my own. What if everyone else’s cup keeps dripping around me? Just keep filling theirs until mine runs dry because caring for my own needs is not important. Fuck that!
I’ve built a career around supporting mothers and convincing other mothers that their needs are vitally important because we can’t fill other’s cups when ours’ is empty. But I keep forgetting. I’m dreaming about bringing mothers together again, bringing women together to sooth our nervous systems, to lift each other up and support each other. To witness the hard work we are accomplishing and to build strong networks together, to feel the deep roots we all share and the web that holds us. Fuck, I keep forgetting.
I want to attend births again. I want to study with my midwife and grow my amazing brilliant brain. This is important work and I cannot imagine anything more worth doing. I don’t want to be in the house with my kids anymore. I don’t want to homeschool or homestead. I want to be out in the world, with my community, witnessing the miracle of life and being part of making the world more beautiful one empowered birth at a time. I’m ready to shake off these cobwebs and the gentle apathy I’ve developed in Mom-Land and find my strength again, my power.
Before having kids I had imagined that I would be a really happy mom. I thought I would be surrounded by kids, animals, flowers, life. I imagined I would take them along on epic adventures. But what I found was that I needed to slow down and pause the epic adventures. I’m praying that this part of me will come back in the near future. For now, I’m trying to be patient and give myself grace.