Meditate, Masturbate, Create
The Best is Yet to Come
***This year for the holidays get your loved ones yearly subscriptions for Sexy As A Mother! Yes, what a great gift idea, and only the cost of one latte a month! And while you’re at it, get yourself a paid subscription too! Then you can all read, laugh, cry, and bond together. You’re welcome.
With the coming new year I’m planning to begin adding audio recordings, so you can listen to my sexy voice (Yas!). In 2025 I plan to publish twice a month and once a month there will be a paywall to read the whole thing. Gotta feed 2 hungry boys, time to get paid people!
Dear Fans, Friends, and Family,
As we welcome in the dark days of winter and the holiday festivities, I find myself on the brink of burn-out (again!) and it’s clear that I need to simplify my life. I’m in the midst of metaphorically weeding and composting, preparing for the hibernation days and calling in deep rest. With 2 little boys, running a small business, and trying to live this wild life, it’s becoming clear that I need to prioritize my own well-being and slow down.
To be honest, I’m not sure how to pull this off, but sometimes writing it out helps me clarify. I started this writing project 2 years ago while I was pregnant with our second baby. It felt like a call to stay connected, knowing that I was about to enter the underworld of the postpartum depths. I had a feeling that sharing the stories of pregnancy, birth, postpartum and beyond might help me hold onto the fragile shoe-string of light on the other side.
Now after 2 years, I’m realizing that something needs to change. Actually I think many things need to change. In terms of this writing project I’m planning to take a few months off from any pressure to publish. In this time I’ll start sharing audio recordings of my past writing and complete some old projects. I want to go back and read what I’ve shared with you. It’s been a hazy few years and I feel like I’m waking from a dream; a sleep-deprived other-worldly dream, where my boobs are always out and I’m usually walking around with a little poop on my shirt.
In the coming months I’m planning to write a whole bunch (between chasing little boys) and then start publishing twice a month and one of these will have a paywall. So much of my life is unpaid labor. Sweat, tears, blood, and sleepless nights. Then I go to work to get paid a little. I’ve got to find a way to monetarily value the work that I do, but I’m so used to giving it away for free. My small business is all care-work: Craniosacral Therapy, Doula Work, Meditation and Sensory Awareness groups. It’s really hard to charge for this stuff or to charge enough. Then I go pick up my kids and take care of them.
Oh boy, my baby’s crying. He just woke from his nap. Time to get my tits out and see if I can scrap together time to write later.
He quieted again, perhaps he’ll sleep for 10 more minutes. I’m still “in it.” I don’t feel “postpartum” exactly, I mean I’m not bleeding anymore and we’re basically sleeping through the night. But I still feel this sense of impossibility. How do I make enough money for my family in the 3 days that we have childcare for both boys, in the 15 hours of time I have to work? How do I do this and also pour my heart out writing for basically no pay? (Thanks Dad for being a paid subscriber!) When do I find the time to “take care of myself” and what does that even mean? I think what we really need is “community care” more than “self care.”
I’m so sick of mothering in relative isolation. How do we come together to care for ourselves and each other in a way that feels like the deep animalistic calling of our souls? I just read this book called, Women’s Wheel of Wisdom, where the authors, Elizabeth Davis and Carol Leonard, describe “Sister Circles” and how to celebrate and support each other through the seasons of our lives, through the blood mysteries. I find this book so inspiring and am calling in this sense of ritual celebration that includes the seasons of this earthly world and of these aging bodies.
Within all the stress of the election, I felt this deep connection to the earth and to the women who have come before me, my ancestors. I had this sense that there must be something bigger and more powerful than our current human problems. I feel a strong need to reconnect to the earth, to nature, to the changing seasons all around and inside me. I just turned 37. I’m feeling at once old and young and this feeling is becoming familiar. I imagine I might feel this way for a long time.
This year for my family (and many others) the holidays come at a time with lots of stress. I’m noticing my own “grinchiness” as I look towards this time with less childcare, both boys home, no family in town, less rhythm, more tantrums and deregulation. Then I wonder if there’s a way for me to get some deep rest in the midst of this chaos, to embrace this season and to remember that this too shall pass. Can I welcome in the holidays with gratitude and warmth, while also embracing the overwhelm and exhaustion? What if I take the time to drop into my body, into the earth, into my family and community, and find gratitude for all the things I do have?
As we descend into the darkness and feel the transition of the year changing, I’m calling in a deeper sense of connection. For 2025 I’m using Kim Anami’s mantra: Meditate, Masturbate, Create! This is my promise to myself. This will be the year of going inward, seeking silence and pleasure, and then sharing the gifts of my harvest. As a former raft guide, adventure seeker, dirt-bag, I have to find freedom and magic where I can. For now that means through trance-like states of meditation, orgasm, and dance. It’s very rare these days with 2 little kids, that I get to go off on a freedom seeking adventure with a sense of spacious timelessness. But I do have glimmer moments when I get very quiet and my body reminds me of the glowing powerful golden rod at the center of my being. Or when I have a truly explosive orgasm and it feels like my old self dies making space for something new to grow. This year I will integrate orgasm into my daily practice. And you can too! (I’ll write more about this soon.)
With the joy and pressures of the holidays I’m sending you gratitude for sharing this life with me. I’m sending you a sense of connection to yourself, to the earth, to the changing seasons. Thank you for being here! May we find peace and come together to care for this wild wonderful world. May we remember that the holidays are about celebrating the gift of being alive and the magic all around and within us. May we embrace the bullshit and allow the challenges to break us open, to bring us together, in connection and growth. The best is yet to come.
I Love You,
Carol
Tell me everything in the comments below. How do you feel about the holidays, orgasm, love? What are you dreaming up and manifesting for the new year? We are stronger together.