MILF: Mom I’d Like to Fuck
After writing MILF a few weeks ago a friend of mine called who I’ve known for 25 years and said, “Didn’t you tell me once that you hate the word MILF?” I said, “Yes, but I’m trying to embrace it and I hoped it would be funny.” He replied, “Well I think you should write about that. Also as we get older it seems like all of my women friends are MILFs now.” This made me laugh and think about all the beautiful radiant sexy moms I know, of which there are many! In fact all of the moms I know I consider to be totally fuckable. This friend also told me that he wants more details!
Let’s dig in to this. First of all I do resent the term MILF because it seems to imply that most moms are un-fuck-able and that it’s only the rare mom who is sexy or desirable or still wants to fuck. Maybe it’s implying that before motherhood women might enjoy a good “romp in the hay” but after we’ve popped a few babies out the vagina, we are done having sex altogether. Time to put on the halo and embrace a life of servitude and sacrifice. No more pleasure. No more naughty selfish sexuality. I hate this story line.
As far as the details go, honestly I feel a little shy. I know I just typed the work “Fuck” like 10 times and I’ve shared all kinds of intimate details about my life but I also feel aware that one day my boys will come-of-age and be able to read. This is going to be so embarrassing for them! Here are some details anyway. There is some truth, of course, to our sex-life changing after having babies. How could it not? I still feel as fuck-able as ever, but the timeline and energy stores are totally different. We can have sex either after the babies are asleep between 7-9pm before I get too tired to fuck or during the week while our older son is at preschool and our baby is napping.
No more spontaneous naked fondling in the middle of the night for me! I’m way too tired for that. I’m producing milk from my body and waking up at 4am to feed the tiny monster. The details that feel important are that parents need to fuck as much, if not more so, than everyone else. Parenting is relentless and exhausting and to keep that love-flame aglow we need to connect. Of course it’s not just physical, but there’s something so important about maintaining a healthy physical, mental, emotional, and dare I say- spiritual- connection. I find that I only want to have sex with my husband if we’ve been doing our due diligence, which for me means checking in about how we’re feeling, spending time in nature, laughing together, fighting, making out in the kitchen, dancing...
I read in the book: “How To Not Hate Your Husband After Having Kids” by Jancee Dunn, about a 7-day-sex-challenge. I can’t remember the details but basically the challenge is for parents to have sex every day for a week. Before having kids I would have laughed at this challenge as being ridiculously easy, but now it truly is a feat of strength. And we’re doing it! I believe we are 4 days in. In all honesty we missed a day already but I had tonsillitis and needed to go to bed early. We’ll go an extra day, OK?
Here’s what we’re finding so far: We both feel better in our bodies, we like each other more, we feel more sensual and kind with each other, and more patient with our kids. In the book she maps out different ways to get yourselves going like reading sexy stories, watching pornos together, or starting with a sensual back massage. The key thing is communication. Don’t assume anything! Tell your partner what feels good, what doesn’t, and what really turns you on from moment to moment. This is especially important for parents who have less time, and may be dealing with changing bodies and raging hormones.
Don’t be coy, say it all out loud! The other thing I’ll say is I use my mind both to bring myself into the present moment and feel the sensations of the body, but also to go where ever I want to go. Typically I start right in my own body with the yummy sensations in my clitoris, g-spot, and cervix (yes the cervix can feel pleasure but it takes time to relax- like a gentle coaxing massage). Then sometimes I imagine other people or places. I imagine fireworks and waterfalls or beautiful strangers that would be fun to sleep with. I assume my husband does the same. What’s wrong with that?
This same friend of mine was asking about the mystery of staying with one person and being monogamous. I told him that the secret, in my mind, is for the sex to feel like it’s with lots of different people even when it’s with the same person for years. Keep it fresh, buy a new toy, imagine a new fantasy, say something silly to make each other laugh! Laughing during sex is the best. There’s so much more that I could write but I’ve run out of time and steam, so go ahead and use your imagination, OK?!
Feel free to comment right here. You don’t have to secretly reach out to me. Be bold! Be brave! Grow this community :)
For more tools and tricks to enjoy being in your body and mind join Mom Village: a meditation and Sensory Awareness group for moms anywhere on the journey from pregnancy to grandmas
