Mom BS
A Journal From Another Time and A Letter to the President
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My first idea for what to call this Substack was Mom BS and then I thought Sexy As A Mother would be more fun and positive so I went with that. During the Covid pandemic I began writing stream-of-consciousness journal entries that I never thought I would share with anyone. I called them Mom BS. Writing these has been really helpful for me and some of them are actually pretty funny and wise. So I’m sharing one with you and I hope it makes you laugh and perhaps feel seen in your own secret world.
Before we get started with my juicy journal entry I have a more recent story to share. Check this out: I’ve been battling with the Healthcare Marketplace for over a year now because they’re claiming that I “voluntarily cancelled” my insurance through them the day before my baby was born. Why the fuck would I do that? So now our insurance company is saying that they don’t have to cover any of the the cost of the birth, according to the Marketplace (who’s health are we caring for?). Yesterday I called the Marketplace again (my baby just turned 1!) and jumped back in to battle. I was transferred to 4 different people and eventually I got so mad that I swore, cried, and yelled at the last man who put me on hold to speak with his supervisor. He said, “I’m very sorry for your wait Mam, he just needs to use the restroom.” This was after a 20 minute wait and I wondered, “Does he have IBS?” But what I said was, “Are you fucking with me?”
Long-story-short I eventually hung up on them because I had to take Care of the Health of my children and in a fit of rage I googled something like: How do you reach Joe Biden? And this is what I found: https://www.whitehouse.gov/contact/ You can go to this website and you’re given a box to literally write whatever you want. I wrote something like this:
Dear President,
I know you have a lot of work to do but I’m writing to advocate for the health of myself and my baby. He was born 1 year ago and the Healthcare Marketplace is claiming that my insurance company is not responsible for covering any of the cost of my birth because I voluntarily cancelled my own insurance while I was in labor, the day before I gave birth to my son. This makes me lose faith in our country because I believe in a country as powerful as the USA we need to take better care of our mothers, babies, and families. Thank you for your help.
Love,
Carol
I’m sorry I didn’t copy and paste the actual letter. I was so angry at the time and felt so powerless that I didn’t think of it. I told my husband later what I had done and we laughed so hard that I cried. Please Joe, help a mother out! Go ahead everyone and write to the White House! It’s fun and maybe we’ll change the world together. Maybe one day we will have a health care system that actually cares for the health of its people. A girl can dream.
On to the Journal:
Written 8/21/21
I hate everything right now. The devil voice has taken over my brain and I can’t control her. I’m on my period and it really feels like a baby is dying. It’s very sad. I would have been very sad to be pregnant too probably so there’s no alternative I suppose. Right now the world feels hopeless. Like evil aliens will arrive any minute. Or the planet will explode in 30 years when my son is the most handsome man on earth.
Like we may become homeless and my kid will get kicked out of preschool and I will have to look after him full time again and I will go fucking crazy! Seriously though, my 2-year-old son might get kicked out of preschool after 3 half days. A fucking Waldorf school where I thought they were supposed to be the most patient and accepting but apparently my kid is too loud and crazy and also he peed on the floor one time. But I thought that was normal.
I just know that after almost 2 years living through a pandemic at home with my kid, alone a lot of the time, we can’t do it anymore. We need help. It’s not healthy. For the first time ever I’m concerned for my mental health. Moving back to the Bay Area just in time for Covid with a 9-month-old baby broke me. My soul feels crushed. Anyone who knew me before Covid and also before Baby knows that I used to be fun! I used to be energetic and cooky. Boisterous and sarcastic. Now I’m more dark sarcastic, crusty, burnt out mommy. I used to be a great river guide. A fun and silly river guide. I feel like “Stella gets her groove back” before she gets it back.
So now we are in Missoula again and life is better, sort of. The nature is better and we like the people more and the culture and pace of life. But getting in our groove has been fucking hard and I’ve been really depending on preschool for my own goddamn sanity because I need time again. Time to work, to dream, to build something. To build myself again and notice what is true now. I am new now. The past 2 years of mothering during a pandemic has crushed me and I am exhausted in a way that sleep can’t cure.
Tomorrow we will go to the lake and we can cleanse our bodies in the warm water. That sounds divine. A day by the lake. I’m trying to be kind to myself and often failing. So often the mean she-devil in my head gets the best of me and I’m left thinking, “You’re fat and lazy now and motherhood is the worst. Wish we’d waited even though I’m 33, which is old and why don’t I have my shit together already?!” She’s so mean. Luckily there’s another voice of reason in there who show’s up from time to time saying, “Hey that’s not true, you’re exhausted because you’re working very hard raising a person and you’re a very accomplished badass who is at the end of her rope and it happens to everyone. Keep on keepin’ on! You go girl!” She’s so nice and positive.
I used to feel like her more of the time I think, but maybe that’s just the devil voice fucking with me.
Please tell me all your secrets in the comments! Just kidding. Go write the president and tell us all about it!