Summer Solstice Silent Solo Retreat
A Fairy Home In The Woods
I just got back from a silent solo retreat in the forest. I went camping by myself, about 30 minutes from my home, by a creek, surrounded by huge pine trees blowing in the wind. I did almost nothing for a whole day, 2 nights, and a morning. I left my family after dinner time, around 6pm Friday evening. When I got into the woods I built myself a fairy home (aka a tent) and made it so cozy with sleeping pads, blankets, and magical totems. I slowly walked down to the creek and sat by myself, feeling the layers of stress begin to drop away.
The last few weeks have been intense. My older son graduated kindergarten, the next day my husband left for 5 days to go off-grid on a journey to Alaska. I solo parented our 2 boys (with some help from my mom) and then had very little childcare for the week after, even once my husband was back. I had this idea that my older son would need a break from school, schedules, rushing, and that we could drop into summer together. I forgot that this meant I would be on the hook for feeding him, caring for him, entertaining and planning activities for him the whole time.
This lasted for 2 days after my 5 days of solo parenting, before I caved and got him signed up for summer camp every day for the rest of summer, other than our camping and rafting trips. So now we’re more financially stressed and only have care for him until around 12 or 1pm most days so my work opportunities are limited, but I think my mental health will improve dramatically.
After all this I told my husband I needed a break, like a real break where I go by myself to the woods, not camping with my family chasing my boys around. That was the original plan. When I first looked at our schedule I said, “Ok, I can do all this but when you get back, I’m going to need to rest the first morning of camping. You get up with the boys.” After about a week of taking care of our boys, largely on my own, my ask changed to: I need time to myself to heal my nervous system and rest.
I had gotten to a point where my whole body hurt, I wasn’t eating or sleeping well and had pretty much lost my connection to myself and my ability to relax. This is an important pattern to look at. How many hours of parenting without help, without adequate support, does it take for me to disappear? How long before my coping mechanism of numbing out and forgetting my own needs, my own body and going into Robot Mommy Mode where I care for everyone else but myself until I slowly disappear while going deeper and deeper into the whole of exhaustion and burn out?
I feel bummed that I even need to ask these questions. That we live in a culture that lets moms run themselves into the ground, with no safety net. That we are so conditioned to “do this for our children.” To forget our own needs, to grow smaller and smaller, skinnier and skinnier until we barely exist at all. We are praised for caring for others, for skipping meals, for being small and weak. I need to gain 5 more pounds of muscle to keep up with my boys and to feel grounded on the earth in my own body.
You get the picture. I let myself get totally burned out but Thank Goddess had the wisdom to know that doing nothing in nature by myself for 2 nights and a whole day would be the healing serum that my soul needed. And it was! I recommend this to all mothers! Take some time to yourself, go into nature, to the woods, to the water. If you have someone you can leave your kids with for a night or 3, do it!
Here’s what I did: First fairy home, next walk to creek, sit and melt stress away from body, lie down in fairy home, close eyes and listen to the rain cascading down and cleansing the world around me, beckoning for my tired soul to come out to rest and play. Then I slept for nearly 12 hours, I think. I don’t actually know because I also took an entire day off of looking at my phone and watch. I let myself lose track of time completely which feels like a total luxury because at home with my kids and husband, I am the tracker of time, the manager of activities, the planner, the emotional regulator, the snack maker and so much more.
On my own I could let go of time and listen to my own rhythm again. I re-found my own hunger and I fed myself well. I didn’t cook or clean anything. I ate baguette with cheese, hummus, salame, olives, pre-made salads, chocolate, apples, and grocery store sushi. For breakfast I had yogurt and I heated up water for coffee. It was the most beautiful vacation I’ve ever gone on. It was delicious.
I remembered my own pleasure, my own body and how full of life and passion I am. I walked slowly in the woods by the creek, with no destination, stopping any time anything interested me. I bathed naked in the freezing cold water, just for fun, just to tantalize my body and wake up cleansed and new. I sat by the stream listening and letting the water clean out the cobwebs of stress forming in my body, mind, soul. I found serenity again. I found joy. I found gratitude and a sense of contentment just in being. I remembered how much I love myself. That in the end, I am my favorite adventure buddy.
Now go love yourself!
Love,
Carol
I’ll be out of town next week and am leaving my computer behind. I’m going to Family Camp on a lake with my boys and a bunch of friends. Please wish us luck! Pray for sleep, fun, community nourishment, and being able to tend to my own soul even as I play with my kids for a week. Good luck out there! If I can, I’ll send out a sweet song before I go. XOXO
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