Sunflowers Blooming

An Orgasmic Story

Sep 12, 2024

Shameless Plug: Mom Village, meditation and Sensory Awareness group, starts Oct 9! This is an opportunity for a community of mothers to gather to fill back up, relax deeply, and practice regulating our nervous systems together. This truly is the gift that I need to receive, and it’s my favorite thing to share. The vision is that we learn to take such good care of our minds and bodies that we model this behavior for our children and together we change the world. Who’s with me?! Please share with all the moms you know. For more info and to register: www.carolannelesser.com/events

The Friday before Labor Day weekend I bent over to pick a zucchini from my garden and felt a painful zing in my low back which brought me to my knees. As a body person and a healer, I can sometimes be a little cocky with my own body. As I kneeled behind the tomato plants in excruciating pain I wondered, “Do I need to stop watering the garden?” My husband and I were supposed to go camping for the weekend, including a 10 mile day-hike around a lake, so I stupidly decided it was important to finish watering the garden before we left. I limped around the yard taking care of our plants and tried to ignore the pain in my body.

Once the watering was finished, I hobbled up the stairs and sheepishly told my husband that I had hurt myself. I was still trying to make light of the situation. I took a hot shower and then tried to make love with my husband like a total idiot until I realized I couldn’t really move because of the pain right above my sacrum, meaning I couldn’t do much pelvic thrusting. Not very sexy. So we paused and I decided to put myself to bed, hoping I would feel better in the morning. I did not. I woke up stiff and in pain and realized I was not going to be able to hike 10 miles around a lake and also that I couldn’t pick up our 30 pound baby in this condition or wrestle with our 60 pound 5-year-old.

This was a wake up call. I knew that I was feeling burnt out by summer with 2 little kids but I didn’t know how bad it was until my body gave me this very clear and unpleasant message to: “Slow the fuck down!” My husband and I changed our plans and decided to revolve this time away from the kids around soaking in hot springs and resting, instead of walking all day to view waterfalls. I had 2 nights to rest and recover from a whole summer of chasing kids around and putting my own needs last. It took me about 24 hours to drop down into the realization that for this short time, no one needed anything from me. I didn’t need to take care of anyone. Going back and forth between hot springs, a swimming pool, and jumping into freezing cold river water was just the healing medicine I needed and my back began to relax and loosen up, finding a new sense of stability.

My mantra on this trip was: “I find stability and support.” I started in my own body, paying attention to the alignment of my bones and noticing where I needed to let go and where I needed to strengthen. Then I thought about different parts of my life, considering where I could seek and accept more support from family and friends showing up to help with the grueling task of caring for little kids, who look to me for so much. When I looked at my life through the lens of seeking support I could find a lot of it. Even though I don’t have a true “village,” we are surrounded by an amazing community of people who love us and can take the load off, little bits at a time.

My back loosened enough that I could make love with my husband enjoyably, outside in the wilderness, like the “good old days.” It was a good reminder to slow down and listen to the quiet messages of my own body before they feel the need to scream at me to be heard. When we got home I did 2 Feldenkrais movement videos and the pain in my back went completely away. It was amazing and I remembered that I have so many tools at my fingertips. I spent the next week slowing down and taking care of myself as much as possible. I canceled all plans that were not essential, that didn’t feel like they would be replenishing, like going to kid’s birthday parties or making plans for the weekend. I decided I needed to just play-it-by-ear because I realized that I’d gone too far. The summer was stressful and I needed to rest and recover to be able to enjoy the coming fall (with childcare!!!).

I did as many restful, nervous system regulating practices as I could get my hands on. I went to my local meditation group and drank up the silence in community. As I began to rest and recover I started to notice that my body felt more juicy and delicious. My mind began to relax and I noticed that I didn’t feel fried, burnt out, and dried up anymore. I started to feel sexy! One afternoon, my husband walked into the bedroom, while one son napped and the other watched Curious George, and I slipped my underpants off from beneath my dress. I smiled at him and said, “I’ve been wet for you all day.” I don’t know what came over me but suddenly I felt alive again and my energy was flowing like waterfalls. We made love like wild animals and when my orgasm burst open it felt like sunflowers were blooming throughout my body. It was so healing and beautiful.

It was such a good reminder that when I feel burnt out, it’s like the well of my sexuality, my creative juices run dry. In these times I feel like my life energy has been given out and not replenished. When I feel resourced, I feel juicy, alive, like I’m wet for life! (“Wet and Ready” was an alternate title for this piece but I was worried you might think it was a porno.) There’s something so interesting about realizing the power of my sexual energy. On the one hand it feels a little dangerous, like if I show it to the world something terrible might happen and I might be kicked out of the proverbial church (I’m not actually part of one). Like everyone will know I’m a bad girl because I like sex. No, I love sex!

I believe that sex can be amazing and powerful and healing, especially when we’re doing it with someone we love and feel safe with. I believe that my sexual energy is a gift. When I pay close attention to the messages of my body I can tell when I need to slow down and take good care and when I’m doing well and have some left over to give. Specifically when I pay attention to if I’m feeling: Wet and Ready or Burnt Out and Dried Up. I want to be turned on for life. I want to be wet and ready with my husband, my lover- meaning that we have tended to our relationship, we have open lines of communication, and we can feel the love flowing between us.

I remember in my Human Sexuality class in college, doing my sexual autobiography project, I asked a friend, “What do you think about Sacred Sexuality or Enlightened Sex?” He said, “That sounds boring. I like funny sex.” I loved this answer! Now as a married mother, about to turn 37, I want all of it. I want sacred, enlightened, funny sex. Sex that brings us together. Sex that makes the whole world more beautiful, through laughter and spirituality.

Some of you may be familiar with my old Sexual Autobiography project that I refer to above where I asked many friends and lovers: “What’s the difference between sex, fucking, and making love?” I was thinking about this the other day, and in some ways I don’t care about the difference anymore. I think every time I come together with my husband we go in and out of sex, fucking, and making love. In the moment the label doesn’t feel important. But I’m still interested in the evolution of what sex is now, what it means as I age and grow and change in the world and in my body.

So what is sex now? Sex to me now is about connection and bliss. It’s about coming together with my husband, this person who I love, who I work so hard with to run a household and to raise 2 amazing tiny beings. We have the gift of this act where we get to be together in a full body, totally intimate way, and drop all the bullshit, all the veils of trying to “keep it together” in other parts of our life. We get to see each other naked, vulnerable, and give each other love, embodied love. We get to create love together and then drop in to this space of bliss, of ecstasy, where the world feels magical and there is hope because everything feels so beautiful, sparkly and connected.

Like the universe is one, and if we could just get our shit together to create more love, more sensuality, and creativity, maybe, just maybe we could heal the world. So there you have it. I guess my slogan is: “Make love, Not war!”

Sexy as a Mother

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