The Witch and the Manager

An exploration of the many hats of motherhood

Nov 16, 2023

A few years ago two of my oldest girlfriends came out to visit. One of them I’ve known since kindergarten and the other since we were 15. We’ve watched each other grow up, build careers, fall in and out of love, get married, and have babies. We were all pretty wild and crazy in our youth and would egg each other on to be more authentic, more fun, and more daring. For a while I was the most unpredictable one, the one who would disappear in Africa for a year, learn how to take boats over waterfalls, and have tumultuous love affairs all over the world.

These were the 2 women I called when I was nearly deported from Mexico in my early 20’s. I remember being in tears explaining that I might be getting kicked out of the country and they both burst into hysterical laughter. We all grew up in California and had heard of countless Mexicans being deported from the US, but not the other way around. These women keep me honest, they see the truth in me when I’ve lost my way and can’t see it myself. I was afraid that when I fell in love, got married, had babies, and then bought a house I might become terribly boring and they wouldn’t love me anymore. But they’ve stayed by my side through thick and thin.

When they came for this visit, they saw a frazzled mom of a 2-year-old who had grown skinny and fried. They saw someone who was unable to relax and was constantly managing the household (dare I say micro-managing everyone). I had made it through the darkest days of Covid-life with a baby, moved from California back to Montana and was struggling. The near constant stress had gotten stuck in my body and I was having trouble getting out of it. My girls took me out for cocktails and told me, “This is an intervention.” They went on to explain what they were seeing and encourage me to relax and remember how to trust my husband and let him do some of the household work without micro-managing everything.

Then we took a day trip to a beautiful trail through a canyon, following a cascading river up to a huge waterfall with epic views of rock cliffs, and mountains all around. We brought journals, sage and palo santo to burn and we sat by the river in quietude reflecting on our lives and our love for each other. One of the wisdoms that came out was, “You are the witch not the manager.” Somehow this one sentence struck a chord with me and I’ve held onto it ever since as a reminder when I get lost in my managerial roles as a mother.

I’ve resonated with witches for a long time, mostly the good ones: the healers and midwives. This was a reminder that my magic is in my intuition, my sensitivity, and my ability to feel through people with my hands. As a Craniosacral Therapist I’ve honed the sensitivity in my hands to be able to feel through the body. Bones move like tectonic plates, tissues unwind and release, making space for new patterns. As a meditation and Sensory Awareness teacher I guide people into feeling the intricacies of their own bodies and minds, trusting the sensations from moment to moment. Using the sensations of the body as an anchor to bring us back to this space and time. As a birth doula I’ve learned to hold the space for mothers as we are brought to the edge of pleasure and pain, pushed beyond our limits, reflecting trust, empowerment and surrender.

I am a space holder, a birth guide, a healer. I’ve never called myself a witch but I’ve always resonated with what I imagined as witchy powers to heal and destroy what is no longer serving. As a little girl I had one of those kid-kitchens and I’d mix together little bottles of hotel shampoos, conditioners, and lotions into potions and concoctions that I’d feed my dolls. One potion was poisonous and would kill the dolls while the other was life-giving and would revive them. I was fascinated by birth and death.

I always knew that I wanted to have babies and imagined that I would have tons of them. I thought family life would be fun and chaotic and I wanted to be surrounded by little ones laughing and playing. Then I had a baby and it was way harder than I thought it would be to be a mother. The love came easy but the managerial side of things has been a huge challenge. As a mother of 2 now, I wear many hats: I am the head of communications, planning, health and wellness. This includes, but is not limited to, all of the research and communication that goes into childcare for both children, planning and scheduling all medical appointments (dental, vaccines, wellness checks...), playdates, vacations, making sure both boys eat vegetable (reading ingredient labels), and keeping track of emotional well being for everyone in the family.

Are you getting the picture I’m painting here? Wearing all of these hats and expecting to do all these tasks on my own and do them well, leaves me feeling fried and strung out. There’s not a lot of time left over for my “witchy magic.” When I remind myself that, “I am the witch not the manager,” I feel in my bones that my value comes in how attuned I am to life in each moment and not in how skilled I am in managing the household (although this is important work). It is a gentle reminder that what is important to my children is how much love I show up with and how freely I can play and laugh with them, not how perfectly I fold their laundry.

As we gear up for this next holiday season I keep reminding myself of my fun magical light witchy nature. I try to trust that all the things that need to get done will get done, one day at a time. That I can complete the tasks while being aware of my body, while feeling my breath effortlessly filling and emptying. I can keep this small fire aglow, this sparkly place that hides inside waiting for a little more air to grow. I can close my eyes and feel the power within that knows how to manifest clarity, abundance, and joy in community. That is my magic.

As we welcome in this time of darkness, I am praying for peace and safety for everyone around the world. Especially all the babies and families suffering. I am trying to taste the salty tears while not being swallowed up by the pain of it all. I am attempting to sit down in the mess of our world and grow a small fire of peace that I hope will grow and touch us all. I cannot raise my boys believing that the world of humanity is somehow inherently evil. I have to believe that there is good in all of us and that we can come back to our bodies, back to our fragile humanness and basic goodness. We can get through this together. One day at a time.

Please comment below. What is your witchy magic? How have you grappled with all the hats you wear? How can we grow peace together? I would love to hear from you.

Sexy as a Mother

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