What's the Difference Between Sex, F*cking, and Making Love?
A deep dive back into my Sexual Autobiography project
(Pop quiz: Was I having an orgasm or a contraction in this photo? Answer below :)
*First some housekeeping: I’m officially off maternity leave and back to work! Just to be clear, I’ve been working my butt off taking care of my new baby and now I’m re-entering the work-force. This means you’ll be receiving 2 posts a month, every other Thursday. Yay! My plan is to share something old and something new. This week you get something old.
This is part of my sexual autobiography project from Human Sexuality class in college. As I began writing my own stories as a 19-year-old sexual fledgling, I quickly realized that there was still a lot I didn’t know and wanted to know. I began an interview component where I asked anyone who would talk to me: “What’s the Difference Between Sex, Fucking, and Making Love?” Then I diligently recorded their answers. I asked friends and family- my parents, my brother, lovers, and strangers. Most of the people I asked were 19-25, but some were 25-60 years old. A few were virgins, most were straight, and some were gay, lesbian, polyamorous or something we didn’t have a word for yet. It was totally awesome and pretty radical, if I do say so myself. I hope you enjoy.
*Shameless Plug: Mom Village is coming up in September! This is a 6-week meditation and Sensory Awareness group for moms to tap into deep relaxation, power & community. Check it out here and feel free to share with mom friends (or enemies ;)
Various Collected Answers: What’s the difference between sex, fucking, and making love?
(All names have been changed)
Danny, old roommate
Sex is getting it on. I think it starts to be sex as soon as you feel like you’re losing touch with your rational self. Fucking is doing it. Crossing some border with at least a little bit of violence and a lot of energy. Making love is all of the above plus eye contact. I have a penis. It’s easier. All you have to do is stick it in something; then hang on for dear life.
Ben, ex-lover
The difference between sex and making love is that sex is a pure anatomical physical act. Making love is spiritual. I love fucking. Fucking is a very powerful thing between making love and sex because it’s physical and taps into carnal needs. Making love is necessary for human happiness and you can use all three for your evolution.
Jill
I think that fucking is more of an animal instinct. In New Zealand they call it rooting. Fucking seems to give it more of a negative connotation. But I think that when people say fucking they really mean just getting the hormones out. Having a good go at it.
Dad
Making love is loving someone. It’s an expression of giving to another person of meeting of dancing, of not knowing what’s going to happen. It’s a spiritual expression of mystery and deep connection. I think of fucking on the other end. Fucking feels more like taking and satisfying some animal need. It smacks of aggressiveness. It has anger in it. It’s almost the opposite. To me sex with these three words, it sits, I don’t know, it’s a component of both and it just feels completely neutral- which has the same root as neuter. It’s so amazing because it could go in either direction. The angry impersonal or compassionate and spiritual. It’s more of a function than a state. I hear the other 2 as states of being. They express relationship.
Sally
You can fuck anyone. You can only make love to someone you’re in love with. Sex is just a bigger description of the other two.
Bryan, ex-lover
It’s not something I’ve put a lot of thought into. Making love is more of a shared experience. You want it to be with someone you’re interested in. Sex you can have with anyone. It’s a broader term, more scientific. Fucking is almost the opposite side. Often times alcohol is involved. Maybe I can go a little longer and do all the things I want to do.
The New Zealanders
We’re both virgins. We’ve been in love before. The more in love with someone you are, the more you want to have sex. Fucking to me is no emotion. It’s selfish. I’d associate that with men, not women. There’s no connection. Sex sounds casual. Making love has all this emotion attached to it. It’s supposed to be beautiful. In New Zealand the word “rooting” means “fucking” but only men use this word.
Pete, ex-lover
There’s no separation between fucking, having sex and making love. They are the same impulse. Assuming uniqueness is assuming light without energy, water without liquid. Magnificent intercourse is the proper expression of all three. Sometimes concurrently, always instinctually, each partner must move within the impulse, taking their cue from the moment. It is impossible to know someone else’s experience. They say they fucked you. They say they don’t know what it was. They say you made love. They may lie.
All that can be known is personal experience,the part of the impulse you choose to embrace. Having sex is fucking. Fucking is making love.
Dan, old babysitter
I think that making love has emotional intimacy with the person you’re with. I think you can have sex, make love, and fuck the same person. It’s very much a personal decision about who you have sex with or fuck or make love. It’s very much about the level of trust that you have with that person.
Brother
Sex is just a general word for it all. Fucking and making love, it’s not one or the other because all things are all encompassing. There’s a primal instinct in all of us that comes in more in fucking. The loving is more dominant in making. But they’re both in both.
Stuart
I think sex was the learning process and the more sex you have the closer you get to making love or to fucking. I don’t think you can make love without understanding what sex is and what it does to a person. I think making love is understanding the emotional and the physical of a person. And fucking is raw visceral based strictly on the physical act of sex and how it makes you feel based purely on senses with nothing involved in the mind because sex is powerful and it creates tons of things, like guilt. At least in me it creates guilt. I think the three of them segue into the ultimate sexual experience which I think is making love. Because to make love you have all three of them together.You have the understanding of sex the passion of fucking and making love, in an emotional understanding of mind and body connection which should create the ultimate sexual experience which I think should be beautiful.
Bill
Fucking is a direct act. You have a specific goal in mind. Not like a sensual sharing emotion. Just both people infatuated with the physicality of it. Just trying to get their cookies. It could be void of emotional thoughts but I think you could have both. Making love also has intention but it comes from a place of love, of strong emotion. A place of commitment to one another, an emotional responsibility to that person. The difference is that one is nurturing while the other is narcissistic.
Cowboy, ex-lover
With sex it’s just sleeping with someone for whatever. It’s not good; it’s not bad; it’s sex. Fucking is having that right buzz and hooking up. Making love is intimate. You can fuck while making love.
Autumn
They are all the same thing. No one is better. The only difference is that making love is with only a small select group of people in my life. Like my bf may say, "Ooo, it was so good making love to you last night." I say, "Ooo, we were making love? That's right, baby. So good." It's the way you talk about it later. Or even during.
Making love is shameless. It is sex without embarrassment. It is real. All three meet your needs. Sex, fucking, making love. It just depends on how deep you want to go. Like balls deep or just the tip. Just kidding. Deep isn't the right word. Making love is for real, with that person right there. You want everything about them. You want to be with them. It's about being happy with yourself and who you’re with and everything is perfect, imperfections and all. The other two are more about yourself. Or a goal. Orgasm. Getting your own needs met first. That's my difference. Making love is honest. You make a woman honest by marrying her. You make a man honest by making sweet love to him.
My Answer (19 years old)
Everything we do during our lives is some combination of sex, fucking or making love. There’s a struggle and there’s ease. It’s messy and confusing and beautiful and rough or clear or funny or boring. Can you fuck and make love at the same time? I like fucking but I also like making love. Can you fuck someone you love? Can you make love to someone you aren’t in love with?
My Answer (30 years old)
I now save all of these acts for just one person and it is still always different. Both fucking and making love can bring me to the type of ecstasy that is so intense that it feels like if I succumb to it I will explode into a thousand tiny pieces and I have to let go of my fear of dying for the pleasure to consume me completely. Often I imagine flowing over a waterfall into the deep unknown and warm tickles envelope me. I hardly ever worry about defining what we’re doing because I trust him. Sometimes we are fucking because there is anger or alcohol or a lot of energy. Sometimes we are having sex because we are distracted or bored. Sometimes we are making love because there is a primal urge to be fully connected, to breathe all of him in and open to our oneness which melts away all separation between everything.
*One of the things that was intriguing for me after collecting all these answers was seeing where they overlap and where they don’t. We throw these words around all the time, as if we’re on the same page, but with the variety of beliefs and experiences, we may not be communicating clearly.
When I started this project at 19 I had no idea what I was doing, both sexually and otherwise. That became clear as I began writing and then I had this urge to know more and began asking everyone around me questions. Now I’m married and a mother of 2 and still have so much to learn. A big place of unknown for me now is how to introduce sexuality, pleasure, consent, and safety to my 2 little boys (5 months and 4-years-old). I really want them to ask questions. I want them to enjoy their bodies and feel safe with me and in the world. I want them to enjoy their sexuality and sensuality and be respectful to others. I hope when my boys come of age they will seek guidance and we will help them learn what they love and how to open to pleasure in a safe beautiful way. This feels so important to me now as a mother, who still really enjoys sexuality and feeling at home in my body.
*Yay you made it to the bottom of the page! Answer: The photo at the top was during labor with my first baby. I was having a contraction.*
Please share a comment below! Feel free to share your own answer to: What’s the difference between sex, fucking, and making love? (There are no wrong answers!) How do you teach your kids about sexuality or taking care of their bodies? What do you remember from your own coming of age?